


Pyromania

by Song_of_the_Black_Wolf



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, Humor, Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 22:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11678790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Song_of_the_Black_Wolf/pseuds/Song_of_the_Black_Wolf
Summary: This was a request from a reader over on Fanfiction.net, and I kinda made this one up as I went, so if it sucks, blame her . . . jk.  I think the title more or less speaks for itself . . . Let the chaos ensue!





	Pyromania

_How am I supposed to get any training done and learn to control my titan form if I’m always stuck in these meetings with Captain Levi??_ Eren wondered.  _Come to think of it, how does Captain Levi get any time for training with his squad?  UGH!  This is so BOOOORING!_

 

Beside the teenaged soldier, sat his current guardian/teacher, the afore mentioned and equally bored Captain Levi.  _They want me to train this little shit to use his titan form, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that if we’re stuck in these shitty meetings all the time?!_

 

At the head of the table, in front of the chalkboard, Commander Nile Dok of the Military Police Brigade droned on and on about . . . well, Levi wasn’t really paying attention, so he didn’t know what Nile was talking about.  Even the Commander of the Survey Corps, Erwin Smith looked bored.  _Okay.  I know it’s bad when old Eyebrows looks bored out of his skull._

 

An equally bored member of the Royal Council that sat on the other side of Eren from Levi, leaned back in his chair and lit a pipe.  _Disgusting!_ Levi thought.  _Filthy, smelly habit._   Levi watched as Mike Zacharias’ eyes widened in horror as the pipe was lit. _Yeah, that filthy pipe will really fuck up Sniffy’s nose, but good._

 

Even Eren turned up his nose as he saw the pipe being lit.  Zoe Hange glowered at the man across the table for a moment as he finally, after many failed attempts, got the pipe lit.  Levi coughed slightly, and when Zoe looked at him, he nodded to her glass of water.  Zoe raised an eyebrow, but got the hint.  She started coughing, grabbed her glass, then got up as if to leave the room. 

 

Zoe then proceeded to act as if she tripped on her chair, and tossed the water from her glass across the table and all over the man with the pipe – effectively snuffing out said pipe.  There was an indignant cry from the councilman, a smug smirk on both Mike’s and Commander Dok’s faces and Eren clapped both hands over his mouth lest he laugh out loud, even if he did get a little wet.

 

“*cough!* Oh my goddess! *cough! cough!* I am SO sorry! *cough,cough,cough!*” Zoe choked out – the coughing just barely hid her laughter.

 

“Heh, heh.  It’s just cheap tobacco anyway,” Pixis said with an innocent grin.  “Nothing worse than the smell of cheap tobacco.”

 

“I’ll have you know that I only buy the finest tobacco available!” the man, Lord Casey huffed.

 

“Which, considering the limited supply here behind the walls, is still cheap tobacco,” Levi retorted.  “It’s rude to smoke in a meeting.”

 

The lord glared at Levi, then Pixis, then Levi again.  As the meeting resumed, Lord Casey defiantly cleaned out and the reloaded his pipe.  As the man struck a match, Eren strategically began fanning himself with some of the papers that had been in front of him, blowing out the match.   The lord scowled at the boy and struck another match, but Eren’s fanning blew it out again. 

 

After two more wasted matches, the man brought up his hand to protect the flame from Eren’s fanning, only to have it blown out by the Garrison captain sitting on the other side fanning himself.  Lord Casey growled with annoyance and put the pipe down.

 

Levi passed a note to Eren.  **Well done, Jaëger.**

 

Eren smiled like a kid that just got a pat on the head from his big brother.

 

Within minutes, the lord again picked up his pipe and struck a match to light it.  Levi, face as expressionless as always, pushed Eren back, leaned over and noisily blew out the match.  _If THAT doesn’t give that fat bastard the idea, nothing will._

 

Lord Casey’s mouth fell open in silent shock, Eren and Zoe both roared laughing and Nile let out an undignified snort through his nose trying to suppress a laugh.  Erwin finally spoke up.  “Perhaps it would be best to refrain from smoking while we are in this meeting.”

 

The lord looked even more incensed than before.  “You people have no business infringing on my right to my simple pleasures!”

 

“And you have no business infringing on our right to breath clean air,” Levi rebutted.

 

The man emphatically struck another match . . . a little too hard, perhaps.  The match lit, but went flying out of the lord’s fingers and through the air to land on the stack of papers in front of Zoe Hange.  Now, one must consider, that when you want a match, a candle or a fire of any kind to stay lit, they tend to refuse to burn.  When you would really rather they didn’t burn, you can’t seem to put them out.

 

Lord Casey panicked and immediately leaned over the table and blew on the flames that immediately began consuming the dry papers.  “You dipshit!!” Levi spat as the flames grew bigger and spread with the lord’s blowing. 

 

Zoe yelped as the flames blew towards her and she fell over backwards in her chair.  The loud banging of her chair hitting the floor awoke the merchant beside her with a start.  As he jumped awake, he knocked his own papers into the inferno, scattering the flames to several other piles of paper about the table.  Nile, thinking quickly, grabbed the glass of water that was in front of Commander Pixis, and threw it on the fire. 

 

There was only one problem: that wasn’t water in Pixis’ glass.  “For fuck’s sake, Nile!” Levi snapped.  “Since when have you known Pixis to drink water you empty headed moron?!”  The alcohol fed an even bigger burst of flames that was now spreading out of control.  One of the Garrison soldiers began opening up windows.  The spring breeze suddenly coming in served only to further fan the flames.  Everyone scrambled to get out of the room.

 

Levi calmly held Eren back with him.  Eren wondered what Levi knew that he didn’t.  “Alright, Jaëger.  Time for a little training.  Titan steam, being water, should be able to put out the flames.  Your goal is to put out the fire.  Make that titan arm appear again like you did last week.”

 

“Yes, sir.”  Eren bit down on the heel of his thumb, drawing blood.  The teen was thrilled to pieces when he found himself near the ceiling of the room standing on a massive, skinless titan arm.  He was equally thrilled to see that Levi had been correct when he’d said the resulting steam would douse the flames.

 

Levi glanced about the room, his hair wet and sticking to his forehead and condensation dripping from the end of his nose as he stood with his arms folded over his chest.  But it was not the doused fire that had Levi impressed.  In the forming of the titan arm, the windows had all blown out as well as the wall to the hallway where the other attendees were gathered.  There, standing in front of the massive hand was Lord Casey, his mouth hanging open and his expression a mix of fear and indignation, for the hand had formed in a fist – with the middle finger sticking straight up in the air.

 

Eren looked down at his captain, grinning triumphantly.  Levi just stared emotionlessly at the raised finger.  “Not bad.”

 

Levi went and picked up the offending pipe that had, miraculously, survived the blaze and carried out to Lord Casey.  “I saved your pipe for you,” he drawled. 

 

The lord took his pipe, still in shock – the pipe was actually lit and smoking away happily to itself!  The man simply dropped the pipe on the floor, then turned and walked away silently. 

 

Zoe began hopping around, upset as the titan arm began to evaporate when Eren pulled himself free.  “NOOO!! Not again!  I wanted to study that!!!”

 

Having freed himself from the arm, Eren came out into the hall, admiring the middle finger before it disintegrated.  He was really quite proud of himself.  “You okay there, or what?” Levi asked him.

 

“I’m fine, Captain,” Eren replied.

 

“Good.  The middle finger was a nice touch.”

 

“Thank you, Captain,” Eren beamed. 

 

Pixis casually picked up the abandoned pipe – which was still smoking happily away to itself, lit a couple of rolled up papers he had been holding in his hand on the pipe’s embers, and then took a swig from his flask.  The man stunned everyone when he blew out across the burning papers, sending a long banner of flames out down the hallway.  “Best meeting ever!” he exclaimed.  “And, Nile, your pants are on fire.”


End file.
